SO...
People are, by nature, nosey. I admit, I'm nosey. I like to know other peoples' business. Especially the stuff that they don't want others to know. I think it's human nature to be curious. But when it's YOUR business that people are trying to figure out you feel a little differently about it.
I came out to my entire family and friends in October, 2000. Now, more than 6 years and 4 jobs later, I still have not come out to any of my co-workers at any of those jobs. When I think about why that might be, a few things come to mind - I worry that I will be made fun of or people will think less of me, I'm afraid it may effect the future of my career with the company, I actually worry that my co-workers will feel bad about having told gay jokes around me. I'm sure most of you are thinking these are crazy thoughts and maybe some of you even think less of me for having these thoughts - maybe that I'm feeding the supression and stigma of gay people in our society by not being out and "proud" to everyone I come in contact with. I wish I didn't feel this way and that I could actually be out at work and have none of these concerns. I also feel that one's sexuality has nothing to do with their job performance and also has no place even being an issue in the workplace. As much as i want to feel that way, I know from past experience that, out of human nature, the subject comes up when you work closely with other people. Apparently women are more "human" than men when it comes to these issues, because women seem to be the ones that just HAVE to ask questions until they figure you out.
I'm sure that several women I have worked closely with in the past have suspected that I'm gay. I can always tell when they begin to wonder. The questions start popping up out of the blue. These questions all begin with one word..."So".
Janice: "So, didn't you say you had a roommate?"
Me: (Oh God, here it comes) "No, I didn't say that." (of course I wasn't lying. My ex-partner had already moved out when she asked)
Janice: "Oh, I thought you said that you lived with someone."
Me: "Nope. Hey, what are you going to order? I think I'll have the taco salad."
I had known Janice for awhile before I started working with her and one of our co-workers who worked in a different department than we did, lived just down the street from me at the time. It was obvious that two guys lived together in my house and I'm sure there was plenty of office chatter about my living arrangements behind my back. Oh well, let them think what they want.
Fast forward 3 years...the questions began at my current job several months ago. I work in a department with two other guys and one woman. We're all within 5 years of the same age. You guessed it... The questions fly out of Laurie's mouth when least expected. It's almost as if I can hear the wheels turning in her head trying to figure me out...
Laurie: "So, do you have the kids this weekend?"
Me: (Jeez, there's that "so" again) "Yeah. Every other weekend."
Laurie: "You got anything fun planned for the weekend?"
Me: " I don't know. I thought about maybe going to see a movie, maybe dinner out one night."
Laurie: "Oh. Just the three of you?"
Me: (WTF?? Just come out and ask if you want to know if my gay love stud is coming with us.) "Yeah, probably just me and the kids."
What is with nosey women? I don't get questions from male co-workers like this.
I am quite open with my co-workers about things that I do in my spare time. I think most people are when they work closley with others on a daily basis. You can't help but form a sort of personal bond with these people. You talk about things going on in your lives, vacations, holidays...those types of things. I have always been very up-front with trips that Andrew and I have taken together. Whenever we are planning a vacation or just a weekend in Chicago, I talk about it very matter-of-factly that Andrew and I are going. I've even talked about traveling to Seattle to see Andrew's parents a few times and to New York to visit his sister. Don't you think People would catch on after a year and a half without having to beat around the bush with questions?
I feel that the "big" question is only a matter of days or weeks away. I imagine it being something like: "Soooo, are you and Andrew more than just friends or roommates?" I decided long ago that if ever asked outright like that, I would never lie. It would finally be a chance for me to be out and open at work and let the chips fall where they may. After all, If I could come out to my family after 35 years, I could certainly survive coming out to co-workers who have only known me for less than two. Not to mention the fact that they probably already suspect. It was a total shock to my family after I'd been married for thirteen years and had two kids. They all just thought I was crazy and needed a shrink. I'm not so sure it would be such a shock to some of my co-workers.
Until that time, I'll just go to work, do my job, make small talk with my co-workers, talk about my weekend plans that include Andrew.
I may wait a little while before flying the rainbow flag over my cubicle and wearing my fishnet stockings to work.
I came out to my entire family and friends in October, 2000. Now, more than 6 years and 4 jobs later, I still have not come out to any of my co-workers at any of those jobs. When I think about why that might be, a few things come to mind - I worry that I will be made fun of or people will think less of me, I'm afraid it may effect the future of my career with the company, I actually worry that my co-workers will feel bad about having told gay jokes around me. I'm sure most of you are thinking these are crazy thoughts and maybe some of you even think less of me for having these thoughts - maybe that I'm feeding the supression and stigma of gay people in our society by not being out and "proud" to everyone I come in contact with. I wish I didn't feel this way and that I could actually be out at work and have none of these concerns. I also feel that one's sexuality has nothing to do with their job performance and also has no place even being an issue in the workplace. As much as i want to feel that way, I know from past experience that, out of human nature, the subject comes up when you work closely with other people. Apparently women are more "human" than men when it comes to these issues, because women seem to be the ones that just HAVE to ask questions until they figure you out.
I'm sure that several women I have worked closely with in the past have suspected that I'm gay. I can always tell when they begin to wonder. The questions start popping up out of the blue. These questions all begin with one word..."So".
Janice: "So, didn't you say you had a roommate?"
Me: (Oh God, here it comes) "No, I didn't say that." (of course I wasn't lying. My ex-partner had already moved out when she asked)
Janice: "Oh, I thought you said that you lived with someone."
Me: "Nope. Hey, what are you going to order? I think I'll have the taco salad."
I had known Janice for awhile before I started working with her and one of our co-workers who worked in a different department than we did, lived just down the street from me at the time. It was obvious that two guys lived together in my house and I'm sure there was plenty of office chatter about my living arrangements behind my back. Oh well, let them think what they want.
Fast forward 3 years...the questions began at my current job several months ago. I work in a department with two other guys and one woman. We're all within 5 years of the same age. You guessed it... The questions fly out of Laurie's mouth when least expected. It's almost as if I can hear the wheels turning in her head trying to figure me out...
Laurie: "So, do you have the kids this weekend?"
Me: (Jeez, there's that "so" again) "Yeah. Every other weekend."
Laurie: "You got anything fun planned for the weekend?"
Me: " I don't know. I thought about maybe going to see a movie, maybe dinner out one night."
Laurie: "Oh. Just the three of you?"
Me: (WTF?? Just come out and ask if you want to know if my gay love stud is coming with us.) "Yeah, probably just me and the kids."
What is with nosey women? I don't get questions from male co-workers like this.
I am quite open with my co-workers about things that I do in my spare time. I think most people are when they work closley with others on a daily basis. You can't help but form a sort of personal bond with these people. You talk about things going on in your lives, vacations, holidays...those types of things. I have always been very up-front with trips that Andrew and I have taken together. Whenever we are planning a vacation or just a weekend in Chicago, I talk about it very matter-of-factly that Andrew and I are going. I've even talked about traveling to Seattle to see Andrew's parents a few times and to New York to visit his sister. Don't you think People would catch on after a year and a half without having to beat around the bush with questions?
I feel that the "big" question is only a matter of days or weeks away. I imagine it being something like: "Soooo, are you and Andrew more than just friends or roommates?" I decided long ago that if ever asked outright like that, I would never lie. It would finally be a chance for me to be out and open at work and let the chips fall where they may. After all, If I could come out to my family after 35 years, I could certainly survive coming out to co-workers who have only known me for less than two. Not to mention the fact that they probably already suspect. It was a total shock to my family after I'd been married for thirteen years and had two kids. They all just thought I was crazy and needed a shrink. I'm not so sure it would be such a shock to some of my co-workers.
Until that time, I'll just go to work, do my job, make small talk with my co-workers, talk about my weekend plans that include Andrew.
I may wait a little while before flying the rainbow flag over my cubicle and wearing my fishnet stockings to work.
posted by Scott in Iowa at 1/17/2007 10:09:00 PM
9 Comments:
Isn't it funny that it's always the women that figure it out first? Guys are so oblivious if you aren't nelly and/or you don't hit on them or talk about your gayness.
You are a great representative of the normal gay man. Straight-acting, in a stable relationship, loving father. Maybe you'll open up some minds and rid some people of their stereotypical beliefs.
You have a lot of reasons to be proud. Show those breeders!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Your experience is almost the total opposite of mine. I work for a company that is bursting at the seams with openly gay men (it's an airline) so it's a surprise when a straight man crosses your path!
Conversely to your good self, I'm out and proud with all of my friends and colleagues but not to my parents - how messed up is that?! I'm 37 years old and haven't managed to tell my mum and dad yet. Like you mention in your blog entry, it's their reaction I'm most worried about.
sigh. It's all soooo hard. I just want to live in sunshine and rainbows with no tough stuff. Grrrrr.
i guess you could find tall size fishnet stockings...tell your gay love stud hello for me...lol...
I know there's a difference between Seattle and Cedar Rapids ... but I wholeheartedly agree, no matter where you are, it's no one else's business. I've always been "out" at work, but not by running around telling everyone or anything. Around most people, I've always just talked openly about how Scott and I went and did yadda yadda ... if they ask me who Scott is, he's my partner. No additional info offered. If they push it, it depends on my level of personal comfort with them ... either "who I would be married to if it was permitted by this closed-minded society" or "That's an overly personal question" or somewhere in-between. Honestly, I've never worried about whether being "out" would affect my career. If that were true, I was working for the wrong company.
I think that there are MANY great representatives of gay men. Being masculine (I very strongly dislike the term "straight-acting"), stable relationship etc. is one aspect, but there are more obviously gay, single men (and women) who are also to be admired and emulated. Being yourself, not making a big deal out of anything sexual (gay or straight), just living in your own comfort level is to be praised. Any "breeders" (another term I dislike) who have half a brain and any amount of tact will not ask personal questions that they don't need to know.
Thanks Matt. Like I always say...people shouldn't ask questions that they really don't want the answers to.
Hey Scott, today is the first day I stumbled onto your blog. I like it. Female co-workers can be very curious and up front with questions.
Thanks Jake, Glad you're here. I hope you stick around for more!
... one's sexuality has nothing to do with their job performance and also has no place even being an issue in the workplace ...
For sixteen years I worked for a woman that lived with another woman. Her sexuality was never discussed within the office.
But in reality it came into play often is pseudo-work social situations. "Who's she going to bring to the Christmas party?" "What happens when the client and his spouse want to be taken out to dinner." "When she invites coworkers over to her house, do we ask for a tour?"
She was the best boss I've ever had.
For all I know, they were just roommates!
Scott, I don't think you should wear the fishnet stocking to work ... but I see no harm in telling your coworkers that you don't have a girlfriend.
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