Sunday, August 23, 2009

ALL GOOD THINGS...

That's what they say, anyway...all good things must come to an end. Does this always have to be true?

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, I'm sure you know about my partner, Andrew (thebuxstophere). We'd been together for almost 7 years. That good thing came to an end this week. We'd been having our issues for a while, but were taking steps to work on those. (or so I thought)

Now, I could sit here and rant all day about the reasons and circumstance around our breakup, but this isn't really the place for that. Besides, why would I bore all of you with our trivial problems.

Instead, I want to focus on the good that we had. I've spent some time being angry and trying to sort through the emotions that go along with a breakup and while I'm just in the beginning stages of all that, I've come to realize that being angry really doesn't serve anyone well and while it is a necessary emotion, truly is a waste of energy if not dealt with and then let go of.

I met Andrew in November of 2002. Sitting across that table from him, having dinner on our first date, I couldn't help but think, "how could I be so lucky?" This guy sort of just popped into my life just 1 week before in an internet chat room. When I first saw his picture, I was immediately taken buy his charming good looks. The olive skin and the dark brown eyes were certainly "my type". As our chats went on through that week, we made plans to meet and have dinner.

That was the beginning of what I feel was some of the best years of my life. We traveled together, we shared so much of our lives with one another. I met and developed a wonderful bond with his family. Though they were spread all the way across the country, his sister, Monica in New Jersey and his parents in Washington state, we all came together, usually a couple of times a year and had a wonderful time together. I was welcomed into the family right from the very start.

My family welcomed Andrew in different ways, but they welcomed him just the same. I'll never forget my Mom's words to me a few days after Andrew had dinner with my family for the first time. "he's a good eater." You see, that's what's important to my Mom. She raised a large family and the biggest compliment you could pay her is to sit down at her table and eat like you're hungry and then take seconds. She was pleased.
Later, when I shared my Mom's comment with Andrew, he wasn't really sure how to take it. We had a good laugh over it, but I think he understands what she meant.

Over the years we gave to each other in different ways. Andrew was always a very generous person with me. He would surprise me with vacations, concert tickets and even just little day trips to places he knew I'd like.
I gave to him in my own ways as well. Being raised with the father I have, I learned a lot of things about car maintenance, home improvement and basically just doing things for yourself rather than hiring it done. Over the years of doing things like that I got pretty good at it and that was one of the ways I gave to Andrew. Fixing his broken dryer when he was ready to haul it to the curb, replacing windows in his house, painting, fence building, kitchen remodels, wiring and basic home repair and upgrades. A lot of those things were done while we were living together, so I guess you could argue that they were actually done for both of us, but I like to think that they did mean something to him.

I guess my point is, we gave to each other in a lot of ways that were sincere and thoughtful - the way it should be in a relationship.

Unfortunately, issues that started out as minor were allowed to go unresolved between us and grew into larger problems to the point where they just couldn't be fixed. I feel truly saddened and regretful about that. We both share equally in letting things go unresolved and I hope we have both learned from our mistakes and won't repeat them in future relationships.

I've learned a lot from Andrew and I know he has learned a lot from me. Am I sad by our breakup? Of course, but I know the process of healing has to take place for both of us and after we've had our recovery time, I think we'll both look back at the past 7 years as a wonderful and very valuable experience for us both that neither of us will ever forget.

The one thing I am regretful of is the fact that due to circumstances around the end of our relationship, we will never be able to be friends or even speak to each other again for reasons we are both aware of.

So, as this long and uncomfortable process begins for me, I really want to thank a few very good friends for their emotional support and for just being there when they are needed most. They know who they are. Though they live across the country and while I can't physically feel their hugs, I know they are there and I can feel them emotionally.

Must all good things end? No. ALL good things do not end. Some do, but not all. Things that end are always replaced by the beginning of something else. Sometimes it's just difficult and takes a while to see it.

24 Comments:

Blogger cb said...

Well damn. I'm very sorry to read this. It always makes me sad when longer gay relationships end. I hope you're doing ok with it all.

But on the bright side... I'm still single. Ahem.

:-)

1:06 PM, September 12, 2009  
Blogger Scott in Iowa said...

Thanks CB.

...and I'll remember that when the urge to make the short drive to MPLS strikes. ;-)

1:42 PM, September 12, 2009  
Blogger Scott in Iowa said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:42 PM, September 12, 2009  
Blogger Palm Springs Savant said...

Wow. No I understand your other comment on my blog Friday. So sorry to hear this. It is so difficult to deal with, and understand. I hope you find peace and are able to fill that empty hole in your heart soon.

10:35 AM, September 13, 2009  
Blogger Alan Scott said...

Hey, Scott. I was very saddened to read your post about your break-up. There is nothing that anyone can say to take away the hurt in your heart and soul. Just know that you have friends who will do anything for you if you only ask and let them help.

The saddest part I read was that you will not be able to see or speak to each other again. Let's pray that at some point in the distant future, you can at least communicate. It's difficult when someone has been such a huge part of your life suddenly is never there. I realize it is a necessary step at this point in your healing, so the important thing is that you take care of yourself and let those of us who care for you do so.

You're in my prayers,
Alan

6:43 AM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger LSL said...

Scott, I'm so sorry to hear this. You seem remarkably grounded and calm. I hope that means you're finding some kind of peace in this huge change. I'm just incredibly sorry that you have to go through something so difficult. Hang in there, buddy.

10:35 AM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Scott said...

Wow. Thanks to all of you. It's a really good feeling to read all of your comments.

4:59 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger Matt said...

Scott, this was a very heartfelt and well-written post. I, too hope that someday you and Andrew will be able to at least communicate on some level. I already see you making good changes in your life that you should feel good about. You know I'm there for you, buddy.

7:47 PM, September 14, 2009  
Blogger © Karelian Blonde said...

You dont know me but I would like to send a big virtual hug to you. It must of taken time and tears to write this post.

Look after your self.

12:03 AM, September 16, 2009  
Blogger Darth Gateau said...

Hey. I was realy sad when I read through your post today. I can't imagine what you must be feeling or going through. There's no answer - there never is - apart from I'm sorry you're having to go through it.
I loved the post itself though. It's actually lovely - and brave that you're viewing it positively, rather than focusing on hurt and upset.
Best wishes from Dubai...

2:17 AM, September 22, 2009  
Blogger Scooter said...

I wish you both well. Things happen the way they do for a reason. It;s what we learn form the lesson that makes us better or bitter. Knowing you, you will grow from what you've gotten from this relationship...and he will forever be a part of a better you.
Good luck to you both.
Scott (Scooter)

12:51 AM, September 24, 2009  
Blogger Sooo-this-is-me said...

Oh I'm so sad to have just read this. You guys were one of the couples I used to see online and think to myself "I want to be in a relationship like that too", back in my closet days that is. I wish the best for both of you.

5:06 PM, September 29, 2009  
Blogger Palm Springs Savant said...

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Hope you are hanging in there ok.

5:13 AM, October 28, 2009  
Blogger Female said...

As sorry as I am to read this not knowing you what so ever I think your post is wonderfuly writen. Bu I truly love when you said "I've come to realize that being angry really doesn't serve anyone well and while it is a necessary emotion, truly is a waste of energy if not dealt with and then let go of." Put in great wording just once more wonderful & great advise.

2:31 AM, November 27, 2009  
Blogger LSL said...

Hey there, just checking in and hoping you're doing ok. Sending good thoughts to you!

12:54 PM, December 27, 2009  
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